Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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