I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
