It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
