you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize