I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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