your thong is hanging out like whoa
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
