I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize