apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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