I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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