New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i drank out of a bidet.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
