Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
