His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
