my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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