He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
