Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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