The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
