I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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