haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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