hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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