So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
