Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
