someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
