Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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