Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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