My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
