I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
