I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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