Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
