Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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