you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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