There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
