I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Even my vagina gasped.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
