I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
