Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
