i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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