Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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