Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
