you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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