you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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