I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
last night I used snow as a chaser
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
