IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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