She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
