the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
