There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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