Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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