one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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