I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize