see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
