apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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