She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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