You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
