i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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