Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
