she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
