Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
