fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
