just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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