his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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