God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
