She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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