The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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