I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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