i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
