yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
