can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
