We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
