How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
